snail

snail mail

snailif you have ever gone to the post office, as i am sure you will have, you will have stood in a queue. now when i stand in this queue my eyes always find the list of prohibited items, which is rather long and hilarious. here is a precis, but the real one goes into great detail:

Perishables, flammables, pesticides, liquids, pets, animals, reptiles, plants, vermin, insects, any living creature. Precious stones, jewellery, medicine or fragile items. “

“Hello, how much to post my sausage dog to my mom. She’s  looking after her whilst I’m travelling.”

“Sorry, but you can’t post sausage dogs.”

“Dauschunds?”

“No, sorry no pets.”

“She’s a miniature, she won’t take up much space; she’ll fit into one of those tubes. And she doesn’t bite.”

“Sorry, no, you can’t post pets.”

“Hmm, That’s strange. OK, well can you please give me a price on sending a chameleon to my brother in England. “

“No, you can’t post a chameleon.”

“But it’s not a pet! Well not yet.”

“No! You can’t post live animals, reptiles or insects.”

“Dead ones?”

“Look! Here is a list of  prohibited items.”

“I see.  So can you tell me the postage on this letter bomb please?”

Dear vimeo

It’s all very nice that you have no ads and your interface is a good clean design, but I’d rather you had a page filled with smut on the sideline, flashing banners ads and a video that works. One That doesn’t take longer to play than knitting a jumper and does not simply lose impetus like a man who’s Viagra prescription has expired. And you have to start ALL over again.

I think it’s wonderful that all the arty and meaningful people use you, but content is nothing if you can’t get beyond the buffer zone. So really, Vimeo, I’m asking you nicely – form can’t follow function if function doesn’t follow anything. Less is not more when it comes to pixels or broadband. Get the picture? (Seeing you can’t get the movie.)

Kind regards
Your average internet user.

amble, you’re on holiday

living in a one of cape town’s most sort after holiday destinations i have been fortunate to learn a lot about how to be ‘on holiday’, even if just for a weekend or even a day. you too can can become a holiday maker by following these simple steps:

when on holiday …

always amble, never walk. after all you are on holiday. hence no one behind you can possible be on their way some where.

stop. simply stop, in the middle of nowhere during your amble, no one will walk right into you, after all they are also on holiday.

eat ice cream. lots of it. come summer or winter, rain or shine. wind or sleet. eat ice cream. lots of it.

take photographs. lots of them. not just any photographs, but those that require you to stop in congested areas. don’t be tempted to cut your holiday short by the excitement of turning your holiday photos into desktop pics on your work computer.

drive. do not take a train. you are on holiday so you must exercise your divine right to consume. everything. please, do not use public transport at all. a slow traffic jam to your destination is part of that holiday feeling. in fact wind down your window and share your latest cd with us. we love your ehm… music, after all, you are on holiday.

drink, drink and drink. and drink some more. and then shout, scream, shriek, swear, holler, curse. louder please. preferable after midnight. it sounds so much better when all else is quiet.

ignore road marking. those apply only to serious members of the public, not those at repose. find a bright red line and park right over it. be sure that in the process you have obscured visibility for others. seeing that they too are on holiday they will not have the need to see oncoming traffic.

after driving around for half your holiday find a lovely empty parking spot, like opposite someone’s garage. they’re this close to the beach, why would they need to use their car?

take in the view. this can usually be achieved by travelling up a cul de sac and doing an eight point turn. enjoy the scenery, from all 8 angles.

find a ‘cute’ little narrow cape town road. park slowly and carefully, keeping your tyres a comfortable distance from the pavement. if any wants to get past you they can wait till tomorrow. time is of no matter when…

you are on holiday!
whooo hoooo!!!

and fuck you all, the whole damn lot of you!

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