blossom posters

once upon i time a co-owned a shop called blossom which stocked contemporary handmade goods. we would work towards a theme which we would exhibit every second month. the other day i was going through some of my old stuff and found these posters. a blast from the past…

this Stunning home for discerning buyer

as i regularly keep an eye on property for sale and to rent i am frequently flawed by the photos agents post. toilets and bathrooms are a big hit, bad lighting and every now and then you have an arm or other body part sticking in the picture. would you be enticed to go and view a house that the agent has neglected to show you the outside of? after all, how a house looks from the outside is probably one of the largest considerations, as you can bash down interior walls and rip up faded carpets. this has not occurred to some people, who have chosen the profession of selling houses.

i do realise that photographing interiors can be tricky with lighting and space, but you could ask the person sitting on the couch or leaning against the dresser to move, so that you don’t capture them either looking terribly self-conscious or alarmed. then of course you have properties near the sea where generic photos of the bay get thrown in along with one pic of the actual property, meaning of course, this all could be yours, if you buy this over-priced, under-sized, badly-in-need-of-repair hovel. today on gumtree i think i have finally seen the demise of the property industry as an agent has posted a photo of the building, wait for it…. upside-down! 

the visual aspect is not the worst as many times the description makes it apparent that matric is not pre-requisite to sell houses, nor a spell check (which comes free).

Here are some little gems and certainly not the worst of them….

“The property is situated in the sort after Muizenberg Village.” ‘Sort’ after is very sought after it would seem.

“Only seriously interested tenants who want to take occupation 1st September and pay full rental to apply” Gosh, I though I could get away with half rental for the first month.

“Stunning home overlooking the beautiful ocean with lots Perks”. Arbitrary capitals are Must.

“warm and textured older single storey home”. Anyone for a textured house?

“Architectural designed family home” What an architect designed a home?

“The feature stairway is a delight and adds a dimension and fusion of modern and rustic.” I always wanted a delightful feature stairway.

“Step inside and be surprised!” Or stand outside and balk?

“Guest loo and tv lounge excellent kitchen.” A comma is a marvelous little invention.

‘Stunning’, “farmstyle kitchen”, “in need of loving touch” “upmarket” ‘discerning buyer’ ‘amazing’ ‘old world charm’. These are all the words you need and consider it SOLD!

a day filling in for james at the office

-company name, hello

-hello can i speak to your managing director?

-(we have one?) sorry, he’s not here what can i help you with?

-can i speak to any of your managers?

-no, i’m the only one here, so you can speak to me?

-so you only have one manager?

-(i’m a manager?) what can i help you with?

-can i phone this afternoon to speak to your managing director

-no, i’ll still be the only one here this afternoon so you can just as well speak to me.

-beeeeeeeeeeepppppp

dear person on the phone, trying to sell me something, not everyone operates in pinstripe suits and hierarchies. beeeeeeppppppp

 

 

 

scratch, scratch, drip, drip

don’t let anyone fool you that we are perfect evolutionary specimens. we are not! evolution has failed me miserably by the absence of ear flaps. i am one of those people that is highly sensitive to noise. i can hear an ant scratch its backside in the desert in saudia arabia and my family think i am mad when i ask, “what’s that sound?” the cyclops is more visually sensitive, yet he claims that he is worse off as he cannot walk around with his eyes closed. i can’t shut my ears at all and am therefore at the mercy of the thumping and bumping, dragging of chairs, dropping of heavy goods and even the sound of snot as it hits the tissue, all from upstairs. i am tormented by every sound churned up by the main road and the doof, doof, doof of the brass bell until 2 am in the morning. i suffer all this, not only because i am an evolutionary mistake, but for the colours of the sea.

the rattling of doors and windows, the dripping of taps, the cat licking, the cat scratching, the tap tap of the computer keyboard, the child sniffing, are all my demise. so in my next life i’m not bothered where i end up, but i’m going to orbit the solar system until evolution has caught up with some basic human needs – ear flaps all around!

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